- How is this? Is it okay? - # Jingle bells chime... #
Uh, no you have to move it a little to left
- # Jingle bells chime... # - Allright, here we go.
- What's up? - No, on the other left.
On my other left? I only have one left.
It's just an expression.
Just move to the other direction.
What would that expression be for- for someone who has two lefts?
No, no, just move it to the other way.
- Move to the other way. - Towards your left.
Your left and my left are the same, 'cause we're facing the same direction.
We're two different people. We can't have the same left.
Doesn't make sense.
DENNIS: Here we go again.
- Hey-oh! - Yo!
(music stops)
Well, aw... all right, hey, go in the back, we got some more Christmas lights.
- We need some help. - SWEET DEE: No, we're not helping you.
Come on! It's almost Christmas.
Get into the spirit. Let's put some decorations up.
Whoa.
- What in the hell is that? - Yeah, you like that?
That's an industrial-size snowblower we got
from some dude on the Internet from the Poconos.
Yeah, you know how it never snows on Christmas?
We got a backup plan this year.
We're going to have a white Christmas out in front of the bar.
We're gonna make the snow ourselves.
If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait
until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations?
It is the day before Christmas.
That's our tradition.
Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog.
We pass out, and then, you know,
we don't put anything up, so we do it all last-minute.
Yeah, then we wake up Christmas morning and throw rocks at trains.
Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's...
Yeah, it's awesome. It's what you do on Christmas morning.
- We've been doing it since we were kids. - Look, whatever.
I'm sorry that we love Christmas, and we have awesome traditions,
and you guys hate Christmas.
Well, they hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts
and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Oh!
You think we don't like Christmas because Frank got us shitty presents?
Is that really what you think?
No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents.
Frank bought the most awesome presents in the entire world.
As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas
presents we wanted that year,
and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar.
'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better...
Yo, Frank, the Eagle's landed. They're here, so, uh...
over and out.
Go ahead.
- FRANK (over radio): Tell them to go outside. - No.
Frank, whatever Christmas presents you bought for yourself, you can bring them
in the bar and ruin them in front of us in here.
No can do.
It's too big.
And, Dennis, you're really going to want to see this.
It's your dream gift.
My dream gift? What is he...?
Nah, oh... oh...
No, God, no.
(tires squealing)
(Frank grunting)
Goddamn it!
(chuckles)
Merry Christmas, bitches.
Deandra...
look at this.
A nice Sergio Giorgini bag.
- You wanty? - I don't want it.
Fake-out!
It's mine.
(cackling)
And I use it to keep in my Cheesy Loops and...
chocolate-covered malted milk balls.
What is your problem, Frank?
Why do you do this to us every year?
I do it to you every year, Deandra, because you and your brother
never learned the lesson that I try to impart at Christmastime.
Oh, my God.
And that is, you have to earn what you get.
This principle made me a multimillionaire.
No, no, stealing millions of dollars from your ex-business
partner is what made you a millionaire, Frankra
Eugene Hamilton was a great man.
Do not speak ill of the dead.
She's speaking ill of you.
Oh, whatever.
I'm gonna... burn uphe rubber with my Lamborghini.
(imitating engine revving)
Oh, I got my nice Sergio Giorgini bag.
Damn son of a bitch!
How can he do this to me?! He's gone too far this year.
Okay, he's not even our dad anymore, and he's still doing this.
I can't take it anymore.
Who puts cheesy snacks and chocolate in a designed bag.
Oh, Dennis, he's gonna ruin the lining.
Well, I'm not even gonna begin to compare a $250,000 Italian sports car...
to a handbag, but I get your point.
This has got to stop.
However, the good news is,
I think there's a big opportunity in this.
What kind of opportunity?
Well, Frank seems to think that his old business partner's dead.
- He's not dead? - Nope.
And that gives me a very interesting idea.
EUGENE: So, you want to talk to me about Frank Reynolds?
Yes, we do.
See, Mr. Hamilton, we heard about how Frank dicked you all up and down,
and we thought we'd give you a chance to get some payback.
Mm-hmm.
We thought you might want to help us because, you see, Frank
thinks you're dead.
Well...
I have forgiven Frank.
- What? - Frank?
You see... some years ago, I had a near-death experience, and I...
I saw the light and I saw the truth of the Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ.
Oh. Uh-oh.
So I have forgiven everyone
who ever did me any harm.
Okay, well, uh, that's cool because you could probably still help us.
Frank has not found the Lord yet.
No... Frank's got nowhere near the Lord.
Yeah, and so, in the spirit of the Lord and Christmas and...
And God.
...uh, all that, we want to do a Christmas Carol type thing,
where we show him the error of his ways through
his past, his present, and his future.
See, Mr. Hamilton, we feel like if Frank can just
understand what a dick he's been to people in his past, and how
he's just going to probably end up old and alone like yourself,
then maybe he'll be able to make up for some of his past mistakes.
When can I talk to Frank about his salvation?
At the end.
- You can do it at the very, very end. - The very end.
- The very, very end... - Yeah. Yeah.
But in the meantime, we need you to be our ghost.
Just being in your childhood room
is giving me the Christmas spirit, bro.
Yeah, dude. It's awesome, huh?
It's pretty cool that your mom kept all your stuff, man.
Yeah, dude.
I'm telling you I think I've got an Omnibot around here somewhere.
- You remember Omnibots? - Totally. Those were amazing.
- Oh, my God, so cool. - Oh, check this out, dude.
- Look at that: karate trophy. - Why do you have a karate trophy?
- I found that in the street. - Oh, that makes sense, okay.
And, oh! Captain Caveman.
Oh!
Remember when we would shave the neighborhood dogs...
- and glue the fur to our faces and pretend we were him? - Absolutely!
And then we wod bash away at 'em, and we'd bash the dogs to pieces.
Yeah, boom! Remember that?
- (gasps) Simon?! - Simon.
Dude, this game was my favorite.
Do you remember how challenging this was?
Yeah, but, Charlie, don't get lost in that, okay? Just...
- (game beeps) - I got the first one, bro.
(two electronic tones)
Uh-oh.
Ooh, ooh.
It just threw me a curveball here... did you catch that?
- Uh, it went "bee-boop." - I know, but I don't know what order.
- Which one was "bee"? - Which one lit up?
The yellow and blue both lit up.
- Well, then press yellow and blue. - I don't remember which order it happened.
(plays tones correctly)
- Oh, okay, you got it. - Yeah.
- You got lucky, though. - (three electronic tones)
Okay, now three happened, and I have no idea which three.
Hey-oh!
Boop ba-ba, beep-beep, ba-ba-ba!
♪ Omnibot, the breaking robot from the... ♪
Dude, we're going to put a Santa hat on him.
He's going to serve us drinks and break-dance.
- That is awesome, dude. - Yeah, it's awesome.
- What was he holding here? - (Mac imitates robot beeping)
Is this his, like, instructional video?
"Christmas Day 1985."
Oh, shit!
This is a home movie
- my dad made of Christmas. - Really?
Oh, yeah, every Christmas morning he would videotape me opening up my presents.
- Toss that shit in, man. - Yeah, man.
Look, son, a video camera, hmm? (laughs)
Oh, this is something.
Can I open mine now?
No, no, keep your voice down.
Let your mother open hers first, okay?
Here we go.
"Mom."
Let's go, Ma. Can't wait.
Hon, wow!
Cashmere!
Beautiful!
- That's gonna look good on you, baby. - Oh, yeah!
- Now can I go? - Uh, not yet, son.
Let's see what Daddy got, hmm?
Let's see what it is.
Would you look at this.
A brand-new stereo.
Oh, look at that.
That's gonna be perfect for the living room.
- Yeah! - Goddamn it!
Can I goddamn go?! This is taking forever!
Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.
You go. You go, yeah.
Okay. It's your turn.
- Let's see what you got. - Let's see.
(Charlie screaming)
A Cabbage Patch Dep
(Charlie screaming)
You don't have to yell like that, okay?
Who's down there?
What?
- Oh, my God! - Who's down there?!
Time to go, time to go. All right, move.
Son, get your... there we go. Open the door.
Get the stereo, get the stereo.
Honey, get the stereo.
That was awesome.
- My dad looks really young, doesn't he? - Dude, what was... what was that?
What happened right there? Huh?
What was the family on the stairs? What was that?
That was probably the next family coming in to get their presents.
What are you... What are you talking about?
What was happening there?
That was the Christmas tradition.
Where you go from house to house collecting your presents
and then, when the next family comes, you would run.
I'm not aware of this tradition, Mac.
In fact, I think that you were just stealing from that home.
Oh, no.
I was taking their presents,
but they were taking mine. Y eah, dude.
That's why there were never any
presents at my house when I got back: the neighbors took them.
Its a South Philly tradition, Charlie.
No, mm-mm, that makes no... People don't do that, dude.
That doesn't make any sense.
You're telling me that Christmas morning, you would not
go to your neighbor's housee and take their presents?
No! No one does that.
Well, my dad told me that that was the tradition.
And your dad is like a thief and a murderer who eats people,
so he's not really trustworthy.
This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.
Okay, whoa, bro.
I tell you what: I got a plan. Let's go to my house, you know.
You'll see how my mom does it.
We'll get you right back in the Christmas mood.
- All right? - All right?
Okay, all right. Okay.
You think... you think these chains are really necessary?
Yeah, they're necessary. It's part of the whole thing.
Yeah, it's part of the look.
Okay, now this is how it's gonna work.
I'm going to pump this smoke under the door.
Then you blast in there and give Frank a good scare.
Yeah, and remember, he's really gonna believe you're a ghost,
so he's going to listen to anything you say.
Definitely, definitely.
You sit him down, you make him watch the videotape.
And that's what's going to pve how horrible he's been to us all these years.
- Yeah. - When you're doing the ghost thing,
you really got to sell it... (moans eerily)
- you know what I mean? - Make it sound real, like a ghost would.
- Yeah, do it up; do it up. - Okay.
(echoing): Frank!
(gas hissing)
(echoing): Frank!
(Frank snoring)
(echoing): Frank!
Put some vio brato into it.
Fr-a-a-nk! Frank!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
We're gonna die!
We're all gonna die!
We're gonna suffocate!
(gagging)
Gotta get outta here!
Gotta get out! We're gonna die!
Calm down, Frank.
Calm down. There's no fire.
Eugene?
Yes.
- A ghost! Ghost! Ghost! - No, no!
Ghost! Ghost!
Get out! Get out!
No, Frank, stop, stop!
Deandra! Deandra!
Stop it, Frank!
- You're supposed to listen to the guy. - No, he's dead!
Calm down, Frank!
Go sit on the couch and keep your mouth shut, okay?
Just sit and listen!
Thank you. Now, yes, you're right.
Your old business partner is not dead.
But Mr. Hamilton, do you have something that you'd like to say to Frank?
I do.
Are you familiar with the forgiving nature of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ?
No, no, no Eugene, at the end, okay?
For the love of God, at the end, okay?
- This is the beginnin - Okay, but if you're gonna
bring God into it, could you do, like, the Old Testament and the
Covenant and keeping your eyes closed or your face will melt
and the coins and the fear and the Indiana Jones?
You know what? Sit-Sit...
- Just sit on the couch. - Okay.
- We'll take it from here, okay? - Thank you. Thank you.
Good job, buddy; good job. Okay, um, bust out the video.
- The tape now, right? - Let's do the video.
What the hell is this?
Welcome to your Christmas past, Frank.
Is this gonna take long?
Because it's cutting into my Countach time.
I was gonna go out and make some modifications to the car.
- Modifications on the...? - Yeah.
No, no, no, you do not make modifications on a Countach.
That car is "pehr-fect."
Yeah, but I can't reach the door when it goes up,
and I was gonna put a wire rig and then drop the bag.
You are gonna ruin that car, Frank! You're gonna ruin it!
Okay, okay, we're gonna take you on a journey,
like the Christmas Carol, and you're gonna be a better person,
and your life will be enriched and fulfilled, and just watch the TV.
Hmm.
(on video): Okay, Dennis, Deandra, come and get your presents.
- We have presents! - Oh, yes! Yes!
Presents! Presents! Presents!
- Christmas, 1986. - Mm-hmm.
This is where you destroyed Christmas for us forever.
Oh, no, no, open the biggest one first.
That's the one.
Look at that, yeah!
That's for both of you.
Tear it apart.
Go on.
What's in there?
("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" plays)
There's nothing in there.
Fake-out! There's nothing in any of 'em!
Now go wake up your pillhead mother.
Awww!
Aw, this is bringing back such great memories!
The fake-out was the best, right?
Right, Eugene?
No! No!
Eugene, will you please tell him what a terrible person he's been
for always doing this to us, please?
What are you talking about?
Eugene was the guy who taught me the fake-out.
He's right.
But I have changed, my good friend.
- Yeah, see, he's changed. - Yeah, that's the point.
That's the point. He changed, and so, now it's time for you to change.
- Yeah! - They're right.
Are you ready to find the loving arms of God?
- God! - Where is your anger?
This is time to get your vengeance, guy!
- Let's all go to church! - No!
- No?! - Church?
All right, let's move on to Christmas present.
- Yeah, this... - Let's just continue the journey.
All right, grab your jacket.
- Eugene? - All right.
- Up, up, up, up, up. Come on. - Let's go.
Come on, Eugene, let's go.
Yeah, man.
See, this is Christmas, right?
Yeah, your mom's really into this, huh?
She loves it. Hey, Ma! Hey, Ma! Hey!
- Oh! Hey! Merry Christmas! - I'm so excited! It's almost Christmas!
I'm so excited!
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!
Ooh, you brought the vodka!
♪ Glug, glug, glug, glug! ♪
♪ Christmastime, Christmastime! ♪
♪ Drinking on Christmas! ♪
Thank you!
Well, listen, you guys, you make yourselves at home.
I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boys.
- Yeah, gingerbread men! - All right, man, I'm feeling I'm back!
- This is Christmas, man! - Mac is back!
You got good tunes, good food on the way.
My mom and I would be excited about the Santas coming over.
- Yeah. - This is Christmas, bro!
Yeah, the, the what?
The Santas that come over on Christmas morning to cheer my mom up.
The Santas? Plural?
- What the hell are you talking about? - Yeah.
Oh, dude, this was like the best tradition ever, man.
Every Christmas morning...
(doorbell rings)
...I would run to the door and I'd open it, and I'd find the first Santa Claus.
Now, the Santa Claus would come in ande'd give me a present,
you know, or something, and then he'd go in the room
with my mom and cheer her up for a while.
(blows kiss)
(doorbell rings)
Then the doorbell would ring, and the next Santa Claus
would come and he'd give me a present or something or other,
and he'd go cheer my mom up for a while.
(doorbool ringing)
♪ He knows when you're awake ♪
♪ He knows if you've been bad or good... ♪
(gasps)
♪ So be good, for goodness' sake... ♪
I didn't always understand the presents...
but I always found a way to have fun with them.
♪ Santa Claus is coming to town... ♪
Wait, dude, one year, Santa even brought one of his elves.
It's like a goddamn sauna up there.
Or I think he was an elf.
You know, the memory was blurried for some reasons.
Merry Christmas.
Charlie, I...
I hate to break this to you man, but
based on the story that you have just told me,
I think your mother was a prostitute.
- What? - Yeah.
Come on, man! I'm just saying based on that story that you just told me,
I'm fairly certain that those Santas were running a train on your mom for money.
No, dude, they would just give my mom money, and go...
(bells tolling)
Yeah.
Chew on that for a second.
- Let that settle in. - No, no.
Yes.
- No, no. - Yes. Yes.
- No! - Yes.
- No! - Okay, just relax.
- No! - Are you okay?
- No. - Jesus Christ, let's get you out of here.
- No! - Let's get you out of here.
- Merry Christmas, Mrs. Kelly. - No! No!
Just relax, dude. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Okay, here we go. Come on in, guys.
Why... Why would you take me to my old real estate office?
Well, because Frank, tonight's the annual Christmas party
and we want to show you how muchour ex-employees despise you.
But I haven't worked here in years.
- I mean why is it a Christmas present to me? - It's not a Christmas present, Frank.
This is the Christmas present.
All right, Frank, here's the plan:
We're gonna hide you somewhere in the office,
so you can hear people talking shit about you, all right?
Oh, that's cool.
Oh, I see where you're going with this now.
Sew me into the couch.
Sew you into the couch? What are you saying?
Yeah, that's what I do at home all the time.
Hide in the couch. It's a great hiding place.
I catch Charlie pounding off all the time.
Pounding off? Where do you get these terms, Frank?
Why do you want to catch Charlie masturbating?
No, I don't care!
No, let's just hide you in a closet or under a desk or something.
Look, you want to do this Christmas Carol bullshit, you do it my way.
Okay, fine, we'll sew you into a couch, Frank.
Okay, right, you just rip off the back, take out the stuffing,
put me inside and sew it up.
♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year♪
Excuse me, folks.
Hey, happy holidays, huh?
Here we go.
- How we doing over here? - Uh, not well. This is ridiculous.
People are definitely starting to notice.
Of course they're starting to notice.
There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch,
for Christ's sakes. They're gonna notice.
Let's just talk to some people.
How about... how about them right there?
- This guy? - Can you grab that guy?
- Hey, you two. - Hey!
Hey, you two!
So how we doing at the Christmas party?
- We having a good time? - Yes, great.
- Great, great. - Good, good.
So, u Sh, Frank Reynolds...
(blows raspberry)
Oh, yeah, we were just talking about him.
- He's the worst, huh? - Right?
Do, do you work here?
- Yeah, of course, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
- Well, we pop around. - Yeah, we pop around here.
- We're consultationists... - For this.
So we consult here. We consult across the street, too.
- Across the whole street. - Is there a man in that couch?
(Dennis chuckles)
What are you saying? A man in a couch?
- Hello? - That's absurd!
I believe there's a man in that couch right there.
There is no man!
There's no man.
Say some things about Frank Reynolds.
Say 'em loud, and make sure that they're horrible, horrible
things, and then we'll deal with the man in the couch.
So there is a man in the couch.
All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole.
Who is Frank Reynolds?
He's the man in the couch!
Oh, my God, what are you people doing?!
Will you just say something about Frank that's horrible?!
Call him an asshole!
Frank Reynolds is an asshole!
- There you go! - Thank you!
Oh, great! Now you've...
(gasping)
(people screaming)
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
What is happening!
Aah! Can't breathe!
- Too hot! - Why are you naked, Frank?
- Too hot in the couch. - Okay, she called you an asshole.
- She called you an asshole, Frank! - No air! No air!
Air! Air!
- Oh! Geez! - (people groaning)
(doorbell rings)
- Dude, you are amazingly calm right now. - Yeah!
Are you sure you're not gonna suddenly flip out and massacre me?
No! Well, I'm doing two things: one, I buried it down deep.
And two, I'm deciding I might not believe that that actually happened.
I could be remembering Christmas wrong,
- you know what I mean? - Sure, right.
Now are you sure this is one of the houses you robbed?
Yeah, dude, this is Ricky Falcone's house
I distinctly remember getting the Omnibot here.
I always thanked Ricky in school, too.
He never had any idea what I was talking about.
No, he wouldn't know. He wouldn't know.
Hey-o!
Ricky Falcone!
(both chuckle)
How you doin', man? Good to see you.
Can I help you?
Uh, well, why don't we have our friend do the talking?
(whirring, beeping)
Hello, Ricky.
When you were a little boy, I was stolen from you on Christmas Day.
It was a big misunderstanding.
I miss you.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
So, you stole this from me?
And now you're coming back 20 years later to return it to me?
Ooh...
- Re-Re-Return it? No. - Re-Re-Return it? No.
No, no, not exactly.
Yeah, we didn't think you'd want the robot back,
seeing how as you' an adult and everything now.
You are a grown man.
It was more about the apology.
- The apology... - Yeah... We're keeping the robot.
All right. Let me get this straight.
You two assholes coming over here to show me something that you stole from me,
but you're not giving it back?
Well, at this point, I believe the robot's falling under the finder's
- keeper's law of America. - Yeah.
You didn't find it. You stole it.
Well, now hang on a second. I didn't steal anything.
- He stole it. - Technically, I am the one that stole it.
It was his family's tradition...
I feel like we're just getting off topic here.
Ricky, obviously, you're in some kind of a rut.
I can tell by your clothes, and you don't look good.
I'm not in a rut.
Listen, bro, why don't you just take the apology?
- Stop being so hard on yourself. - It's about forgiveness.
We're trying to get the Christmas spirit, dude!
Where are we with...?
(both groan)
- Some people can't be helped. - That didn't go as planned.
I'm glad he didn't...
- you know... pound us. - This is a test, dude.
We're getting tested.
It's a Christmas spirit kind of a test,
- you know? - Yeah?
We're getting curveballs left and right with my mom and... and your folks.
We got to rise to the occasion, dude.
- We got to step up. - Okay, I got I a plan.
- I love it. I love it. - I got a plan.
You're good like that, man.
- Let's go to the mall. - Okay.
Get him the hottest- selling toy this season.
- Give it to his kids, right? - Oh, my God.
Then he'll forgive us, and then we can get e Christmas cheer back.
And then everyone gets the Christmas spirit.
Yeah, and maybe we'll get him some new clothes, too.
'Cause that dude is in a rut.
("We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays)
(sighs)
Yo, Mac, check this shit out right here, dude.
I bought Ricky a new shirt.
You know, maybe he could wear to, like, a job interview.
It's going to clean his look up a little bit.
- Get him out of that rut. - Get him out of the rut!
Maybe we should pick him up some face wash too.
Oh, my God. His skin! Did you see that skin?
Terrible. How's it going in here? Find any good toys?
Not good, not actually.
What if I ask this guy?
Excuse-me sir! Hi!
What is the hottest-selling toy item that you have in this store right now?
Actually, the hottest-selling item right now is Redman the Robot.
Are you serious?
Redman the Robot?
- That's what the kids are into? - Shit don't change!
- All right! - Shit don't change!
We'll take one Redman the Robot, please.
Well, it's sold out.
Sold out?
But it's Christmas' Eve, it cannot be sold out, it's Christmas' Eve right?
I'm very serious right now. We don't have any.
So, okay, hold on a second.
You're telling me that if Mike Schmidt were to walk in here right now...
and say, "Hey, get me a Redman the Robot"... you'd say, "I'm sorry. We're all out.
... we sold out, Mike"?
- Who is Mike Schmidt? - Who's Mike Schmidt!
Bro, have some respect here, man. What are you talkin' about?
- I don't know who Mike Schmidt is. - You have never heard of Mike Schmidt?
Easy dude.
- Don't lose your cool. - Twelve-time All Star, three-time baseball M.V.P.?
Maybe he doesn't know him...
- I don't buy for one second, dude. - Yeah, but maybe he's never heard of him.
He's the all-time leading home-run hitter, dude.
No, he's not the all-time leading home-run hitter.
- Well, for white guys, he is. - He's not even for white guys.
Babe Ruth's got more...
Next you're going to tell me
you don't know who Von Hayes is or Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian.
- I don't buy it, bitch. He's lying. - Maybe he's not a baseball fan, man.
- Go get me one. He's lying, dude. - Don't lose your cool, man!
- He's got them back there. - Try to keep your Christmas spirit.
Von Hayes walks in here, you got one for Von Hayes.
Dude, nobody knows who Von Hayes is, man, relax!
Shit, dude, I'm sorry.
- That's okay, man. - I lost my cool.
Well, I don't know who doesn't know who Mike
- Schmidt is. - Right? It's ridiculous.
- That is insane. - Look, let's just be calm, right?
It's a Christmas test. Another Christmas test.
- Think of it that way. - Okay, Charlie, I got a new plan.
- Just like that? - Yeah, dude.
- That's so fast. - I'm firing on all cylinders.
- Okay. - It's a bit of a blessing and a curse.
- Let me hear it. - All right, here's what we're gonna do:
- we're gonna wait till the mall closes... - Uh-huh?
We're going to break into the store, steal the robot, give that to Ricky.
No, no, dude. You're just stealing on Christmas again, okay?
That's not very Christmas-like.
Shit, dude, it's a vicious cycle.
I feel like my parents really screwed me up.
Ah, yeah, but look at me, right?
I get curveballs from Mommy, you know?
- Yeah. - I'm standing tall. I'm calm.
- Yeah. - I got the Christmas...
(bell tolling)
♪ Better watch out, you better not cry... ♪
♪ You better not... ♪
It's good. Your mom's gonna like that.
Charlie. Where are you going?
Charlie. What're you doing?
Charlie.
- No!
I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry...
Excuse-me. Excuse-me sir.
Hello! Merry Christmas.
So, where is your little one?
Oh, oh, oh you're a big boy.
So, son, what would you like for Christmas?
Did you sex my mom?
What?
Did you sex with my mom, Santa Claus?
What do you mean?
Did you have sex with my mum?
Man?
Did you have sex with my mum? Did you have sex with my mum?
Mommy!
(girl shrieking)
Oh, shit! I'm sorry, kid!
Charlie, we got to go, dude.
(bystanders screaming)
(Charlie yelling)
Help! Somebody call the police!
Help!
(shoppers screaming)
(girl bawling)
You think when we leave, you could just, uh, you know,
swing by my house and drop me off?
No, no. We don't have time for that shit, all right?
Listen, we're doing the Christmas future.
- We're doing it now, okay? - What the hell is this?
- You ready? That is Mom's grave, right? - (Frank scoffs)
And this right here? This is your eternal resting...
Hey, look, Deandra, that... that is not my future.
I'm not gonna be buried in a grave.
When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.
- Okay... - You know what?
- Just change now, okay? - It is time for you to change, okay?
- It's time for that now. - We did the Christmas past.
- We did the old man ghost. - Yeah.
- We did the grave thing, all right? - Here we are.
- Now it is time for you to change. - Just change!
And give us reparations.
You give us reparations and cars and Lamborghinis and goddamn money,
- you son of a bitch! - And purses.
Aha!
- That's what this is all about, right? - BOTH: Yeah!
You don't give a shit whether I change or not, do you, huh?
It's all about you, what you want.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Well, you're never going to learn your lesson, Dennis.
You're never going to learn, Deandra.
- Oh, screw your goddamn lesson! - Yeah? I'm out of here.
Who gives a shit about your lesson? Just stop ruining Christmas... for us!
I didn't think that I would still be involved at this point.
So... why don't you just... take me home?
You know what, Eugene?
You are useless.
You have been an awesome disappointment tus.
You have contributed nothing to any of this, Eugene.
You yourself have ruined Christmas.
You didn't let me talk to Frank about the peace that he would find in the Lord.
No, no, no, no, no!
Ah, we don't want to hear about the Lord anymore!
- No more Lord! No more Lord! - I can't stand it!
We don't want to hear about Jesus and the Lord.
I'll shove my fist right in your mouth; I'm sorry.
If you think Jesus and the Lord are so great, why don't you
have them swing by in their Lamborghinis and take your ass home?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Hey, Mac.
Now, I know things weren't pretty at the mall.
But we have a chance to save Christmas here, dude.
And check it out: we can still get some Christmas spirit
if we just bring that shirt I bought over to Ricky Falcone.
The shirt.
Is this the shirt that you're referring to?
- Yeah! - It's covered in blood, Charlie.
Santa's blood, you goddamn lunatic.
It's not going to work, is it?
- No, it's not going to work. - Oh, man.
The only way that we're going to get back the Christmas spirit
- is if we get back to the basics. - You're right, man.
- We're gonna throw rocks at trains. - We gotta throw rocks at trains.
There's just no way to get the Christmas spirit.
Take the Christmas decorations down, you guys.
I am dead serious.
Christmas is a bullshit holiday and it is forever banned from Paddy's Irish Pub.
- That's it. - All right, take it easy.
Have a drink. We get it.
We're starting to understand where you guys are coming from.
Really? You guys are on the same page?
Yeah, all you find out is that your dad stole all your presents
and your mom gets banged by a series of never-ending Santa Clauses.
Charlie's mom is a prostitute, by the way.
Well, we don't know that for sure, okay, but...
We know it for sure.
- Let's just move past it. - (phone rings)
Accept it and go.
- I can see that. - Hello?
- I could definitely buy that. - I could see that.
- I was thinking the same thing. - Hey, guys.
Frank's dead.
What?
Somebody from the hospital.
Apparently, Frank was in a car accident.
He's dead.
They want us to come and identify his body.
Oh, my God.
This is heavy, man. Really heavy.
I don't know that I'm ready to see his dead body.
Okay, this is his room, you guys. Just brace yourselves.
This could be a little rough.
Yo!
What the hell is this?
Well, you guys neve come to see me,
so I faked my own death.
Really should have seen that one coming, right?
- Yeah. - Really should have seen that one coming.
- So, there was no car accident. - Oh, no, I spun out.
Thank God the door was open and I was thrown from the car,
and I sprained my ankle.
So you call us down here to show us that you have a sprained ankle?
No, no, no, no. I called you down here to tell you something else.
I had a vision.
I was driving out of the cemetery in the Countach.
("Blue Christmas" plays)
I'd just finished my bag of Cheesy Loops and malt balls.
Then I must have hit a patch of ice, and I start swirling out of control.
I was thrown from the car.
I must have hit my head on the pavement because everything went white.
And I saw this magical land...
(cheerful music playing)
Whoa! This is freaky!
ELF: Oh, hello there, Frank.
Hey, who said that?
Over here!
I heard you've been a Grumpy Gus-y Christmas Grouch.
Yeah? So what?
Well, you need to get the Christmas spirit.
I don't need to listen to this shit.
Where the hell is my Countach? I'm getting out of here.
Coun... tach?
Yeah, it's a Lamborghini, shit bird.
You ever heard of one?
What the hell was that, you little green bitch?
♪ Christmas is a time for joy ♪
♪ For every girl and every boy ♪
♪ Rich or poor, old or young ♪
♪ The Christmas spirit's in everyone ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la ♪
♪ But you'll miss out on all the fun ♪
♪ 'Cause you're Not nice to anyone ♪
♪ A grumpy-Gus-y Christmas grouch ♪
♪ Who hides out in his couch ♪
♪ Watching his roommate pounding off ♪
♪ Pulling fake-outs, pulling pranks ♪
♪ Gives your friends the Christmas cranks ♪
♪ And this is how they will react ♪
♪ When they finally crack ♪
♪ They'll rip your arm off at the bone ♪
♪ Eat it like an ice cream cone ♪
♪ And gouge your eyes out with a spoon ♪
♪ Blow them up like two balloonss ♪
♪ Keep them close So you can see ♪
♪ As they chainsaw off your knee ♪
♪ Bash your body with a board ♪
♪ And hang you by your spinal cord... ♪
(gagging)
Oh, shit.
♪ And then they'll rip you down so you survive ♪
♪ Grind your legs while you're alive ♪
♪ Throw you to a gator pit, ♪
♪ let them gnaw on you a bit ♪
♪ Pull you out and stab your face ♪
♪ Spray your wounds all full of Mace ♪
♪ Now they're really Getting brazen ♪
♪ When you're burned ♪
♪ By racist singing raisins... ♪
(raisins singing doo-wop)
- Fry that jive turkey. - Yeah, burn his ass up.
(laughing)
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ But it's not too late to make amends ♪
♪ With your family ♪
♪ With your friends ♪
♪ All you really have ♪
♪ To do is... ♪
- # Get the spirit # - # Get the Christmas spirit #
♪Get the Christmas spirit ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Get the Christmas Spirit ♪
♪ Inside you. ♪
Good-bye, folks!
Well, the point is, I'm a changed man.
And I... and I want another chance to give you guys
the absolute best Christmas you have ever had.
Too bad, Jerk.
The only thing your story proves is that you?re a demented asshole.
No, no, no, wait a second.
Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe there is a lesson we've to learn of all this.
See the best of the Frank's story
was how the four of us came together as a group...
to mercilessly slaughter him.
You see what I'm saying?
And I think that's what Christmas is really all about.
After all, it's the four of us really sticking together.
So wait a second.
You're saying we've been relying too heavily on our parents
to give us a good Christmas.
If we stick together, we can give each other the Christmas spirit.
That's right. I don't think it's too late for us to give ourselves a great Christmas.
- Really? - Nice, yeah.
I got something I gotta finish.
- Let's do it together. - Allright.
What about me?
Oh, I hope you die.
Hey, you know what?
Do you guys think it's too late to get a Christmas tree?
Yeah, dude, way too late.
Yeah, I don't care for fir trees, anyway.
- What's wrong with 'em? - I don't like the smell.
Yeah, plus they're a fire hazard, there's all that sap.
Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna get a tree, why not get a tree that do something?
- Like an orange tree. - Yeah.
Where you gonna find anan orange tree in Philadelphia?
You know what we could do? We get a bag of oranges.
Dude, now you're thinking.
- And do what? Hang 'em in the bar? - No, bro, it'd be awesome.
We take the oranges, we give them to each other as gifts.
That's a terrible gift. I don't want it.
All right, here we go.
Hmm?
(humming)
♪ O, holy night, the stars are brightly shining ♪
♪ It is the night of our... ♪
What the hell are you guys doing? It's 4:00 in the goddamn morning!
♪ Long lay the world... ♪
Hey, shut up!
What the hell do you want?
Oh, we want to give you some Christmas cheers.
- A-And a new shirt! - Yeah! I got you a shirt!
I don't want these stupid shirt.
Do yourself a favor.
Take the shirt, get out of that rut.
Hey! Shut the hell up down there!
- You shut the hell up up there! - Hey, jerk-off!.
- Don't make me come down there! - Come down! See what happens!
I'll bite you in your neck!
Get the hell out of here!
We're trying to give you the Christmas spirit, dick-hole!
I don't want it.
Nobody wants it, assholes!
Goddamn it! Goddamn you, bitch!
You're gonna get it anyway!
Keep singing.
Here's your blood, bitch!
Man, I knew I shouldn't have parked in front of the hydrant.
I knew it. I just did it anyway.
You're gonna get towed every time, and I was gonna say something.
- I don't know why I didn't. - Who tows on Christmas Eve?
- Christmas. - Huh?
It's... It's been Christmas for six hours, you dumb shithead.
Know what? I don't even give a shit; it doesn't matter.
Let's just get blackout drunk and forget about this entire experience.
Ah! This is the worst Christmas ever!
Oh, yeah, by far.
- ("Joy to the World" plays) - (laughs): That's a beauty.
- (model train whistle blowing) - Surprise!
- Holy shit!
- You put all the decorations up! - Yes, we did.
All right, all right, what's going on here, Frank?
Dennis, I told you in the hospital
- I was a changed man. - Yeah.
And right after I left, I went to see my old business partner Eugene.
We made up, and we came in, and we did all this.
- Yeah! - Frank, are all these presents for us?
Yep, they're all for you.
Fake-out?
No, no fake-outs. That's yours, hon.
And I'm nna pay for the dry-cleaning for the Cheesy Loops and malt balls.
(shrieks)
Redman the Robot!
You got me Redman the Robot!
Redman the Robot!
We tried to buy this at the store, and the guy said they were all sold out!
(jabbering)
(laughing)
I got the last one! I bought the last one!
Shit, should we give it to Ricky Falcone?
- No, let's keep it. - No, we're gonna keep it!
(shrieking)
Dennis.
What?
This is yours.
Read it.
- This is a Lamborghini key. - Yeah, Countach.
- It's for you. - Don't mess with me, man.
No, honest. It's out in the alleyway.
- It's in the alley right now? - It's for you, son.
Oh, my God!
This is amazing!
I feel so good doing this. It's, like, scary.
(whooping) Guys, this is my dream car! It's in the alley.
- You're giving me the Countach? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, that's amazing! - Look-Look at the look on his face.
Aw, dude, this is awesome! This is an awesome Christmas, Frank!
I mean, I just want you guys to know that Eugene and I,
guys like us, we can change.
Oh, yeah, Eugene, dude, sorry we left you at the graveyard, man.
Oh, yeah, about that, we didn't mean it.
Ah, don't worry about that.
But in the spirit of Christmas reparations, I have a little present for you, Frank.
Aw, you didn' I got a gun of my own!
Oh, a gun! I love guns.
I got a gun of my own!
Shut up!
You stole a lot of money from me.
You wrecked my career.
You left me all alone to rot in a shithole apartment!
Now it's time for payback!
Now put all those presents right here in front of me.
- What? - These ones?
- No! - Why us, too? Why not just...
Come on! Oh, man, I don't even know you, dude.
Put the keys here, too. I'm taking the car.
(groans)
Now I'm gonna leave you all
with a memory of this wonderful yuletide season.
Ah...
How about... a white Christmas?
(snowblower whirring, clanking)
Oh, you... you dumb bastard, that thing's broken.
That ain't gonna work.
Yeah, it's from the '70s, dick; it's not gonna work.
- It's really loud, though. - Yeah, are you sure it doesn't work?
Yeah, there's a whole bunch more tweaks we had to do to it,
plus you gotta hook it uit to a waterline...
♪ I'm dreaming of ♪
- # a white Christmas... # - (garbled laughing)
♪ With every Christmas card ♪
♪ I write ♪
♪ May your days ♪
(garbled laughing)
♪ Be merry ♪
♪ and bright ♪
♪ And may all ♪
♪ your Christmases ♪
♪ Be white... ♪
(laughing)
I feel like that Eugene guy was a real prick, huh?
I know, yeah. Well, Frank always said he was a scumbag.
Yeah, I was impressed with the snowblower, though.
Oh, yeah, I'm glad we don't have to return it, you know?
Yeah. I can't wait to blast the whole neighborhood.
(laughing) Yeah, man!
- (train whistle blows) - Oh, here we go! Here we go!
Are you guys ready? You ready to do this?
I don't know. What do we do?
You just throw rocks at trains, and you're gonna feel a lot better.
- That's it, rocks? - That's it.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Here we go.
- Oh! - Yeah!
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪
(both chuckling)
You suck!
Nice one. Watch this one.
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bells chime... ♪
- Merry Christmas, buddy. - Merry Christmas.
♪ Dancing and prancing ♪
♪ In Jingle Bell Square ♪
♪ In the frosty air ♪
Synch by Benfo. www.addic7ed.com